Just Shut Up, Kelly

A couple observations about this "Breaking News" update I received from People magazine. First of all, this is NOT, nor will it ever be, Breaking News. No one actually HAS eloped, they're just talking about doing so (which seems to completely contradict the whole "running off to elope" thing, but what do I know?). 

Second of all, why are you even talking, Kelly? No one cares about your wedding, or how busy you are, or how you're having a "stock our bar" party to fill your liquor shelves (can you really not afford to buy your own? This seems suspect). Also, just shut up. No one wants to hear "we were just so overwhelmed by...all the decisions." Hey, guess what? There are other brides out there (myself included) who are also overwhelmed, but that's mainly because weddings are expensive and for some reason I haven't won the lottery yet. Therefore, we're making decisions almost entirely based on trying to make everything affordable. I'm seriously doubting you had that problem, so your decisions would be more like, "Which gold plated crap should we line the tables with?" The fact that you actually cancelled your wedding because you didn't like to make decisions doesn't really make me feel sorry for you. At all.

Finally, I'm sure you can tell by my tone, but I still haven't forgiven you for being an awful human being to us back when we met you. I was such a huge fan and you ruined that for me. Sadly, I still begrudgingly like your music, but I will never again care about anything having to do with you. So, just shush already. You're making us all gag.