I'm not sure why, but yesterday I started thinking about the boy in second grade who had a crush on me. When he wasn't chasing me around the playground teasing me, he was writing me love letters during summer vacation. The point to my story? I started liking boys in second grade....even earlier if you count my crush on Fonzie.
Here it is all these years later and I don't feel very advanced in terms of my emotional maturity. Basically my heart feels full of band-aids and stitches as it's been torn up and broken more times than I can count. While I suppose I'm lucky to have loved and lost
(that's what they say, right?), the truth is that I feel broken. Damaged. Un-mendable. The last break really did me in.
Say what you will about AFMF
(that's A$$face Motherf...... for those who don't know), I did genuinely love him with what's left of my heart. And when it ended....I guess it just felt like that was the last break I could handle. I don't know that I even want to try anymore. What's the point? More pain? More rejection? More unhappiness?
I've had love. I've had happiness. I've felt complete and whole and needed and adored. AFMF was the first person who ever made me feel truly accepted and loved and even though it's over, and has been for a long time, I just miss him. I miss that feeling. I don't know that this dull ache inside is ever going away. I mean, it's been a long time now. Can't it just go away?
Someone new isn't going to fix it. And I don't want them to. I don't know that I want that drama anymore. I'm sure I'll change my mind eventually. Maybe. I'm just not actively seeking anyone to get to know better....I'd rather focus on myself. Not sure what brought all this on - lately I've been getting all these random comments from old friends saying they thought I'd marry my boyfriend in high school, which I suppose would've been the easy solution. But how much would I have lost out on? Would we even still be together? Funny to think about the roads we could've taken....OK, enough rambling for now.
Here it is all these years later and I don't feel very advanced in terms of my emotional maturity. Basically my heart feels full of band-aids and stitches as it's been torn up and broken more times than I can count. While I suppose I'm lucky to have loved and lost (that's what they say, right?), the truth is that I feel broken. Damaged. Un-mendable. The last break really did me in.
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