Missing: One BFF

Lately I’ve been having dreams about my MIA BFF. Next month it’ll be two years since he stopped speaking to me. I wish I could say that after so much time it doesn’t affect me anymore, but the truth is that I miss him so much it’s like there’s a giant hole inside. Yes, I’ve got many dear and wonderful friends in my life that I’m close to and spend time with, but there’s only one of him. There’s only one person who knows me that well, knows all of our inside jokes, and has twenty years of history and stories. He knows all my friends I grew up with. He knows my family. He knows I lay out my clothes for work the night before. He knows that I pronounce bagel like B-ay-gel (I don’t think I wrote that correctly, but it’s the opposite of how you’re supposed to say it. If you watch Community, Britta says it the same way. I was dying to call BFF when that episode aired). He knows all my computer passwords, secret thoughts, and favorite foods. He knows my vices, my weaknesses, my strengths, and we shared the same raunchy and irreverent sense of humor. It wasn’t a love match by any means (even if it’d begun that way twenty years ago); he was just my bestie. We talked about our partners, our dates, and our break-ups. While I look forward to one day being with the person I choose to walk through life with, I still don’t think it’s going to be able to take the place of missing my BFF. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be best friends with my partner and share everything and I’m sure he’ll discover the same things BFF did, but it’s just different. There’s a different level of connection with a friend than with a spouse/partner. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but it does in my mind. The funny thing is that we did used to wonder what would happen when we were in serious relationships because it’s hard to explain the purpose of a straight member of the opposite sex to someone you’re romantically involved with. I guess that’s just a moot point now. There’s a permanent empty spot he used to occupy – that he still occupies. At this point, I don’t think closure would help. Knowing why he’s not speaking to me isn’t going to change the fact that he’s gone. I have no idea how anyone could go from talking to someone 503 times a day to none at all. For goodness sakes, he’d put me in his will in case something happened to him so I could make sure his kids were OK. This wasn’t a casual, fly-by-night relationship – it was one of the closest friendships I’ve ever had. We used to go away or get together over Memorial Day and the last time we were together we saw Sex and the City in the theater. With the next one being released next week, as well as it being Memorial Day, perhaps that’s what’s bringing this all up again? I don’t know. There’s not a cure for this. Time might lessen the pain, but I’m always going to miss him. There will always be a small part of me that remains empty. There will always be a missing BFF in my life, no matter who else I might meet or fill it up with. Peace out, BFF.